[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
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Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
an airline just for babies.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..