ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
*she makes eye contact*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
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I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Sex is only 10% of a relationship unless youre not having it.
Then its 100%.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.