@DanMentos

*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit

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@KyleMcDowell86

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

@2tickytacky

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.

@JB4Realz

surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*

@bea_ker

“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”

@DagFizz

My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.

@crocodilethumbs

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

@nayele18maybe

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

@awsten

LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN

@ItsMeAshleyWee

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.