*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
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ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.