Basic white girl [laughing]: Yasssss omg I’m dying!
Takes Everything Literally Todd [shocks her with a defibrillator]: NOT ON MY WATCH!
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Me: *wombat noises*
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I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
The main reason Santa is so jovial is cuz he knows where all the bad girls live.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
The struggle is real.
Yahoo news reports that Johnny Manziel was forced to sit in the middle seat of an airliner. I guess they should have let him fly the plane.