Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
how was your vacation
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Just had my nails done!
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Otters drive ottermobiles.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
The USS B port
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi