Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
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There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy