@eff_yeah_steph

*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock

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@Hurly_Burly

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

@sixfootcandy

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

@Mindless4Miles

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

@RBColl

I wonder why call them backup vocals. Was there ever a time the lead fainted and the backup took over the mic and the show went on as usual?

@daemonic3

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

@histwaddle

Two cans of Red Bull may give you x-ray vision, but five cans give you the ability to hear oxygen.

@enigmaterics

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

@Quartzjixler

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

@The_JRM

I sometimes lie awake and wonder how much useful information I’ve left out of my brain to make room for these Hanson songs.