@DaddyJew

*sees Earth trending*

*whispering to self* please don’t be dead, please don’t be dead, please don’t be dead

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@benpershing

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

@MatCro

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*

Wife – “….””

@MaryJustice86

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

@BoogTweets

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

@Reverend_Scott

Fun Fact:

Valentine’s Day was created by a woman than didn’t get what she wanted for Christmas.

@animadvertguy

Knuckle tats:

(B) (O) (R) (N)
(W) (I) (T) (H)
(T) (O) (O) (O)
(M) (A) (N) (Y)
(H) (A) (N) (D)

@Matt_the_1st

If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”

@krisv_723

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox