Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
*sees Earth trending*
*whispering to self* please don’t be dead, please don’t be dead, please don’t be dead
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Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Valentine’s Day was created by a woman than didn’t get what she wanted for Christmas.
(B) (O) (R) (N)
(W) (I) (T) (H)
(T) (O) (O) (O)
(M) (A) (N) (Y)
(H) (A) (N) (D)
This will teach them to underestimate me
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox