[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
You Might Also Like
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here