Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
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[Movie pitch in Hollywood]
A mythical creature who likes to dance moves to a small town where dancing’s illegal. We’ll call it BigfootLoose
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Me: And what about this one?
Waiter: Sir, this is a seafood restaurant. We have many items that taste “fishy”.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Me:She’s better than me.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Welcome to your 40s, sometimes you sleep so poorly you injure yourself