If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don’t be open.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
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Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
9 months from now the next generation will arrive.They’ll be known as “the Coronials”
Boss: Can I have a word?
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
COP: can you describe the whale that attacked you
ME: yeah it was like a fish but if you zoomed in real close
Rembrandt was unsurpassed in his ability to depict light and shadow in his works, until the camera came out. then he got insanely surpassed
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*pulls pants up
*forgets to poop
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away