@_elvishpresley_

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

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@pippydrydocking

If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don’t be open.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.

@supermarkusa

9 months from now the next generation will arrive.They’ll be known as “the Coronials”

@ItsAndyRyan

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

@jrvarsitybench

one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh

@hippieswordfish

COP: can you describe the whale that attacked you
ME: yeah it was like a fish but if you zoomed in real close

@animaldrumss

Rembrandt was unsurpassed in his ability to depict light and shadow in his works, until the camera came out. then he got insanely surpassed

@dafloydsta

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

@TheToddWilliams

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away