@radtoria

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT

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@Pirate_nurse

In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour

@wallin_monica

My 5y/o just threw a 15 min fit because she doesn’t want me to get old. I had to tell her if she took a bath it would help me stay young

@HuttonGray

Why don’t they allow computers in prison? Is it because of the escape button?
I think it’s because of the escape button.

@sarcasticmommy4

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

@prawn_meat

titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee

@weinerdog4life

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

@SeanEmeny

Being a fat guy at McDonald’s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business

@paulablu22

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”

@MomOnFire

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!