[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]

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In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour


My 5y/o just threw a 15 min fit because she doesn’t want me to get old. I had to tell her if she took a bath it would help me stay young


Why don’t they allow computers in prison? Is it because of the escape button?
I think it’s because of the escape button.


For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.


titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee


How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?


Being a fat guy at McDonald’s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business


A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”


Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-