[sees friend at the store]



“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.

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[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no


Your college degree doesn’t mean you’re smart, it just means you’re in debt.


Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.


Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food


I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.


“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”



COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.


If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?


I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.