I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
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Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze