[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
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Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
A game married people play.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?