@Dustinkcouch

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

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@_Justin_Stepien

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

@Bearslietoo

The people you lose sleep over don’t lose sleep over you. So, help out and drunk dial them at 3AM….

@Ideal_Victoria

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

@jonnysun

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

@Contwixt

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

@theshamingofjay

I was going to get a tattoo but then I realized I’m 34 and I’m still not sure if I like tomatoes.

@Rlpihl

First guy to invent a bread bowl was like
“I’m gonna rip the top of this muffin & pour soup in it”

@robfee

Everyone in horror movies:
*loud scream*
It was probably just the wind
*a ghost flies across room*
Just the wind
*dog gets cut in half*
Wind

@heldmelong

hate how the compose tweet button looks like a quill pen. i am not worldly. i am not an intellectual. i am a blithering idiot. give me a crayon

@lilgapeach30

Oh you’re a jogger? Good for you. I just burned 3000 calories in under 30 minutes.

Can’t believe I forgot that pizza was in the oven.