*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
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Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”