*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

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I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards


The people you lose sleep over don’t lose sleep over you. So, help out and drunk dial them at 3AM….


Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*


i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions


Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.


I was going to get a tattoo but then I realized I’m 34 and I’m still not sure if I like tomatoes.


First guy to invent a bread bowl was like
“I’m gonna rip the top of this muffin & pour soup in it”


Everyone in horror movies:
*loud scream*
It was probably just the wind
*a ghost flies across room*
Just the wind
*dog gets cut in half*


hate how the compose tweet button looks like a quill pen. i am not worldly. i am not an intellectual. i am a blithering idiot. give me a crayon


Oh you’re a jogger? Good for you. I just burned 3000 calories in under 30 minutes.

Can’t believe I forgot that pizza was in the oven.