@bombsydoll

*sees guy having a heart attack*
me: quick somebody push a cookie in his mouth!
person: isn’t that for diabetics?
me: it’s what I would want

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@RobDenBleyker

Video games don’t cause violence, they PREVENT it. Whenever I see a turtle now, I chuck it off the nearest cliff where it can’t hurt anyone.

@Moanhamed

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

@slyoung5

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

@squirrel74wkgn

Cop: Why are you speeding?

Me: I’m super late for work

Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down

Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work

@TheTalkingPipe

It won’t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn’t laugh at something.

@joshgondelman

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

@AdamBujairami

A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.

@_CakeBawse

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.