*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
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I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4