[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
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The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
bugs when you lift up a rock
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!