[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
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*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
oh my gosh!!
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
I only treason on days ending in y
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Yup….perfect score!
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.