@UncleDuke1969

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

- @UncleDuke1969

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@causticbob

When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”

@TeflonPawn

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

@GeorgeTakei

Overheard:
Missed opportunity: Who decided to call it “possession of marijuana” instead of “joint custody”?

@It8ezbnme_

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

@Bob_Heller

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

@Horrorsc0pes

The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.

@Smethanie

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

@isabelzawtun

Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more