*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
You Might Also Like
Baller is short for ballerina
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Isn’t
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.