*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

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The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.


I have friends.

By that I mean I have pictures of me standing next to people on Facebook.


I lost 42 pounds!!!

Help me find her before her mother comes back!


[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it


I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it


[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome


Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE


KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.


Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%


I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.