Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
there’s a phone number
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
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I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Teachers at school: She seems to be expressing an inner need for control.
Teachers at a bar: I want to punch that kid in the face.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.