*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
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Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]