@johnbiehl

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

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@Gupton68

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

@Glittery_Love

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

@GuyBreakup

Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.

@dumbbeezie

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

@PinkCamoTO

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

@pinupteacher

Teachers at school: She seems to be expressing an inner need for control.

Teachers at a bar: I want to punch that kid in the face.

@JermHimselfish

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.

@avxlanche

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

@Not_James_Vogel

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

@skickwriter

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.