I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
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I’ll be like “I know a spot” and dig you a grave.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don’t run into anyone you know
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!