*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
You Might Also Like
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*