@RCKruseKontrol

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

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@ClichedOut

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

@keeganjohn53

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

@mom_ontherocks

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

@WilliamAder

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

@Reverend_Scott

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

@DarzieDAMN

My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don’t run into anyone you know

@internetluke

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really

@PaperWash

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!