[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
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I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Inventor of the mirror: I wish this wall looked like me
yeah well i hope you go to put your hair in a ponytail but the hair tie is too loose to hold it & not big enough to tie it another time
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you