@TheAlexNevil

*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork

You Might Also Like

@PaperWash

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

@Danny_McH2O

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

@TheAlexNevil

The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.

@hellolanemoore

yeah well i hope you go to put your hair in a ponytail but the hair tie is too loose to hold it & not big enough to tie it another time

@Book_Krazy

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

@13spencer

I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.

@squirrel74wkgn

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too