[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
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We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
This was my dad’s browser history.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*