[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
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It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
#SuperBowl
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
do what now??
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”