*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
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Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities