[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
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“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money