*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
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FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.