Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
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[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI鈥檚 daughter: u have a UTI
TI鈥檚 daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I鈥檓 TI
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Kevin didn鈥檛 know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda鈥檚 dumb jokes, but he did know he didn鈥檛 want to be glue.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
I鈥檒l huff and I鈥檒l puff and I鈥檒l get light headed then have to lay down.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don鈥檛 know how to clap. He鈥檚 been trying to teach me ever since. I鈥檓 hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband鈥檚 closet:
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
馃槀
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn鈥檛 what i meant
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.