*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
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Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going