[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
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Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct