*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
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Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.