ME: Do you think if El Salvador stopped being a country, god would make a country called El Salvawindow
UBER DRIVER: This ride is free if you stop talking
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
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She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
1:40am. I get up to pee and step on a squeaky dog toy.
He grabs a bat by the bed and yells, “Fried chicken!”
So are the days of our lives.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Me: can remember the lyrics to 898989 different songs.
Me: forgets what i had for dinner yesterday
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?