*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

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ME: Do you think if El Salvador stopped being a country, god would make a country called El Salvawindow

UBER DRIVER: This ride is free if you stop talking


She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.


It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say BeyoncĂ©. It’s the only way to be safe.


1:40am. I get up to pee and step on a squeaky dog toy.

He grabs a bat by the bed and yells, “Fried chicken!”

So are the days of our lives.


I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.


A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.


Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.


Me: can remember the lyrics to 898989 different songs.

Me: forgets what i had for dinner yesterday


Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?