*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
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I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business