Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
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Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Optional boss fight.
There are so many people outside, and so much yelling, and I genuinely genuinely don’t know if it’s a murder or a rare Pokemon.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
7: “Mama, if someone licked the treadmill, would that someone get sick?”
Me: “Are you the someone?”
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place