[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
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“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
A leaf blower, but for people.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO