@MartaEffing

*sees person I know in a crowd*
*waves enthusiastically*
* realizes I don’t know person*
* changes enthusiastic wave to awkward fist pump*

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@ddsmidt

No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Not only did I find 5 grey hairs on the top of my head but they were also sticking straight up. So….I’m transforming into Albert Einstein.

@ThisOneSayz

My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.

@shutupmikeginn

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

@girl_a_whirl

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

@DeLMarSan

Guys, leave 3 notes scattered around ur house for ur girlfriend that say “Will”, “you”, & “me.” That’ll keep her busy while u watch sports.

@EJGomez

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. ūüôĀ