No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
*sees person I know in a crowd*
* realizes I don’t know person*
* changes enthusiastic wave to awkward fist pump*
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My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Guys, leave 3 notes scattered around ur house for ur girlfriend that say “Will”, “you”, & “me.” That’ll keep her busy while u watch sports.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁