[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
You Might Also Like
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!