[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
[the boy is riding a shark]
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U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
“MY DUST COLLECTION!”
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Thank god we don’t have thought bubbles above our heads. I’d be in trouble 99% of the time.
I wish I could explain to my cat that when I sneeze it doesn’t mean the world is ending.
You’re never gonna believe this, but I feel negatively about the day of the week when I have to stop relaxing and resume working.
Me: Sorry I’m late for my new job as ship cleaner. What do I do first?
Boss: You mist the boat.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees