[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]


[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

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This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan


[Quiz show]

Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”

Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”

Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”

Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”


Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything


I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president


I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.


Well if you didn’t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?


First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?


Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?


Son, your online girlfriend, how closely cropped are her pics?

-Just face, Dad. She’s very modest

She’s. A. Dude.