@FrazzleMyGimp

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

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@Flora__Flora

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said

@Mr_DrEsquire

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

@Yes_ImAmy

Thank god we don’t have thought bubbles above our heads. I’d be in trouble 99% of the time.

@SethMacFarlane

I wish I could explain to my cat that when I sneeze it doesn’t mean the world is ending.

@JasonBerlin

You’re never gonna believe this, but I feel negatively about the day of the week when I have to stop relaxing and resume working.

@AtCouchyB

Me: Sorry I’m late for my new job as ship cleaner. What do I do first?

Boss: You mist the boat.

@JustinMcElroy

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”