[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
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I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom