@FrazzleMyGimp

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

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@idkkiana

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

@stephenjmolloy

[Quiz show]

Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”

Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”

Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”

Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

@youngscrap

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

@MizzTangles

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

@CaseyMichelle__

Well if you didn’t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?

@pittdave13

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

@slimmy_shady

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

@LoveNLunchmeat

[deathbed]
Son, your online girlfriend, how closely cropped are her pics?

-Just face, Dad. She’s very modest

She’s. A. Dude.
*flatlines*