*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
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I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not