@jonnysun

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect

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@DrakeGatsby

ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too

DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?

ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?

@skwint1

lancelot: we have to work together arthur

arthur: unite

lancelot: yes I am

@inmybox07

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

@comotethomas

[buying an engagement ring]

clerk: that will be $10,000

me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh

@mollzbenn

I brought a hot glue gun to the gun range and it was awkward at first, but now we’ve created so many memories.

@trumpetcake

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.

@MarioInAZ

My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.

@Underchilde

*Builds panic room out of Swiss cheese*

*Fails to see holes in plan*