@Fred_Delicious

[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”

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@EricMarten

It must have been really strange for Jesus to be the only white guy in the entire Middle East.

@robfee

Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.

@MrsTomServo

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

@OakHill_

Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.

Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?

Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?

@UnFitz

[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.

@KimMonte10

Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot

@EliBraden

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

@ericsshadow

[at a bar]
“I’m meeting my friend Dan”
big Dan or Dan who’s never has money?
[door swings open]
HEY WHO WANTS TO BUY THEIR BUDDY DAN A DRINK

@McNevich

Accidentally ate a ball of wasabi the size of a marble and now I can smell math