[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
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Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Matt Goss
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.