It must have been really strange for Jesus to be the only white guy in the entire Middle East.
[sees some cut grass]
[sees some ripped leaves]
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
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Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
Me: But we’ll get through it.
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
[at a bar]
“I’m meeting my friend Dan”
big Dan or Dan who’s never has money?
[door swings open]
HEY WHO WANTS TO BUY THEIR BUDDY DAN A DRINK
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Accidentally ate a ball of wasabi the size of a marble and now I can smell math