One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
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Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?