I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
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Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.