(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
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my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT