*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
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Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*