*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
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{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
oh you wanna fight?!
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.