@Browtweaten

*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate

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@XplodingUnicorn

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.

@WilliamRodgers

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

@WheelTod

You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?

That’s preposterous

@shwebby3

A Smart car Zoomed past me

And vanished into a pothole

@andlikelaura

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

@SaraMansford

A wine tasting? Where people SPIT OUT precious wine?! Sure, maybe we could go to the humane society and watch them put puppies to sleep too.

@iwearaonesie

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

@omaddiyo

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

@EllaZee5

What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.

@mccanncreates

Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*