@Death_Buddy

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**

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@Mr_Kapowski

Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?

@Vhalechark

[In bed]

Me: baby, I’m gonna make you groan

Her: you mean moan

Me: *about to tell an awful joke* I do not

@HollyMemphis

Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,

“Guess who got laid last night?”

@papasuncle

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

@ArfMeasures

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

@ArfMeasures

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

@iamspacegirl

One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set