*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
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The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her