[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
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If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Me if I was a dog
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I think this cat is broken
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Saturday
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.