*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
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Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be