Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
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I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
One time I invited a guy over for dinner but I didn’t feel like cooking so I just poured us each a bowl of cereal really romantically.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
I can’t RSVP until I know the wifi situation at your event.
[me as a poltergeist]
*putting forks in the spoon section of the cutlery drawer* ooooOooOooooo
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig