@junejuly12

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

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@jacquelinehey

Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor

@Danny_McH2O

I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.

No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.

@buhsbaby_baby

One time I invited a guy over for dinner but I didn’t feel like cooking so I just poured us each a bowl of cereal really romantically.

@Fred_Delicious

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

@adoraobubo

Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂

@MomOfTeen

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

@ScottLinnen

Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.

@trojansauce

[me as a poltergeist]
*putting forks in the spoon section of the cutlery drawer* ooooOooOooooo