[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
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Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
next pandemic is it okay if we do science right off the bat
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”