@Cpin42

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky

You Might Also Like

@LindaInDisguise

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

@junejuly12

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

@2tickytacky

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

@EmoPhilips

next pandemic is it okay if we do science right off the bat

@weinerdog4life

Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.

@TheGrimKing

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

@RickAaron

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

@kevinrowe1

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

@ElgatoEsmio

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”