[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
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Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.