My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
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Stop rating olive oils on their level of promiscuity
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ???? ? ???? ???????
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE