@Cpin42

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

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@iGreenGod

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

@Brampersandon_

[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]

*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*

MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!

@djdarrellripley

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

@Try2StopME

I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.

@SouthernStylin1

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

@ShortSleeveSuit

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

@causticbob

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

@MrSpoonicorn

*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE