*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
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rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
My therapist after every session
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”