*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
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A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Stop sending me this shit.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
